Bicycling Jokes and Humor

We've gleaned these humorous stories and jokes from various cycling lists on the net. Most are of anonymous origin - if we've missed crediting the appropriate author, or if you have a joke of your own to send in, please let us know.

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Tandem Team at the Saloon

A tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were. When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.

They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"

The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."

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Interstate Highway

It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in.

"I'm an Inter- state highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm afraid of no highway and no road."

He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking around.

A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer.

The Interstate looked him over and walked over to him. "I'm an Interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did. They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.

After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer.

The Interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to the two-lane road and said "I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane road. I don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?"

The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over, the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.

After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly.

The bartender was shocked.

After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt strip?"

The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."

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Devout Cyclist

A devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. Cyclist askes if there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says "Sure, let me show you," and leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.

"This is great," the cyclist says. "You will love it here" says Peter. "You will be fitted a custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal masseuse is always available." As they speak a blur flys by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli and the cyclist says "Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merck!"

"No," says Peter, "that was God, he only thinks he's Eddy".

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A Bike Zen Koan

A Zen Teacher saw five of his students return from the market, riding their bicycles. When they had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"

The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying this sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the student, saying, "You are a smart boy. When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over, as I do."

The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path." The teacher commended the student, "Your eyes are open and you see the world."

The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant, nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."

The fourth student answered, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all beings." The teacher was pleased and said, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."

The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher went and sat at the feet of the fifth student, and said, "I am your disciple."

Courtesy of Piaw Na, Internet-BOB, and the proposed BikeZen email list.

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Dumb Joke #1

Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own?

A: It was two tired.

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You Know You're Addicted To Cycling When...

Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.

A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.

You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.

The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.

You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

AND the number-one reason you know you're addicted to bicycling...

You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.

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Border Crossing

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.

"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand," the cyclist replied.

"Get them off. We need to take a look."

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

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Parental Guidance Suggested :-)


Nuns on Bikes

Mother Superior is sitting quietly in the convent garden when her prayers are interrupted by a heated argument between two nuns. She listens for a few minutes, but when it becomes apparent that they won't come to their own solution she closes her book and walks over to them.

"I've heard enough!" she snaps. "Sister Mary, you may have the bicycle Tuesday and Thursday mornings from nine to noon. Sister Catherine, you may have the bicycle Monday and Wednesday afternoons from one to four. Now not another word or I'll put the seat back on!"

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A Nerd, A Nude and a Bike

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Cobblestones

Two Dutch women are cycling into town to do some shopping. Since its a really rare nice day (being Holland), one of the women suggests they take a longer, more scenic route over some old cobbled lanes. After a few kilometers, one of the women says "Oh my, this is really nice. I've never come this way before!." In reply, the other woman says "Yeah, its the cobblestones."